The New, New Way of Getting Out of the House Sucks

This morning started very, very early. It was dark and I don’t remember clearly except there was crying and I said to D, “Maybe you should go check if her diaper’s wet.” And it wasn’t long after that that I had to get up anyway. In spite of the tiredness, though, I was determined to get the babies out of the house today since the weather is okay and they didn’t go out all weekend.

My first attempt was around 10 am. I stood for a while at the top of the stairs staring down the steps at the front door leading to the stoop, imagining carrying the babies and everything two flights out of the house. Then I suddenly decided that at nearly 20 lbs each they are now too heavy for me to carry one around in the Ergo anymore. This meant my New Improved Method of Leaving the House, involving the umbrella stroller plus Ergo, was now obsolete. 

Half an hour later, after hauling out our behemoth double stroller from behind the stored AC, banging down the two seat attachments from the closet, lifting babies in and out of seats to adjust and readjust straps, looking up Internet stroller operating instructions, I was too tired to try to go outside. I decided I would recoup my strength and try again in the afternoon. 

So here was the New, New Way of Getting out of the House, which frankly kind of sucked: 

1. Dress babies in layers. Bean commences screaming immediately. M is okay initially but begins to be unnerved by proximity of screaming sister and soon commences screaming.

2. Lug nearly 40 lb stroller plus two unwieldy seat attachments down first flight of stairs, then down second flight of stairs to the street. 

3. Set up stroller with seat attachments at the bottom of the stoop, street level. 

4. Sprint back upstairs, worrying that f*ing expensive, irreplaceable, thousand-pound stroller, which is also the only way I can get out of the house alone, will be stolen. 

5. Pick up both SCREAMING babies. They are now so breathless and overheated with insane sobbing that picking them up doesn’t even calm them down. Consider briefly just staying in the house–imagine being in the house with two screaming babies–recommence leaving plan. Try to lift both babies at once. I can barely straighten my back. Try to lift with my knees, grunting like a bench presser. 

6. Carry them down two flights of stairs (Still screaming). I’ve got one of them around the armpits, but her bottom half is dangling like she might slip out. Can’t reach keys. Leave apartment door unlocked because F* THAT. 

7. Set *SCREAMING* *SWEATY* babies in stroller. (Neighbor arrives home at this point. He says something, I say something. Don’t remember). 

8. Set out on my walk! Outside! Free! Babies fall asleep in stroller.

I am getting to the point where I might be willing to ask the neighbors if I can get a copy of their downstairs key and leave the stroller in the very small space outside their door at street level. It’s taken me…nearly eight months. Almost there.