Bedtime Is Bliss

bliss

It’s a good thing I write these blog posts at night, because if I wrote them during the day they’d be much more depressing. Depressing and short.

Luckily I write them at this magic time of night after baby bedtime. I try not to make the whole day a march toward this time. But truly the evenings are amazing. Right now D is making dinner. I’m sipping a beer, sitting at my computer in the quiet house, writing…life is good!

But daytime is another story. Alone between these walls: me, non-talking babies, and the Internet. It’s the stuff of insanity. It’s feeding time, walk upstairs with a baby, change diaper, carry baby downstairs, feed babies, clean one baby, clean the other baby, clean highchairs, carry upstairs, change diaper, carry downstairs, it’s nap time, swaddle first baby, into crib, swaddle second, into crib, it’s feeding time, carry downstairs, etc. etc.

Meanwhile there are glowing screens everywhere. I can’t walk past my computer without checking email. Internet nonsense balloons out of proportion. There is no one around but Internet. A post appears on my Facebook feed, someone is anti-vaccinations and I can’t help myself from commenting. Facebook has its ugly talons in my brain. My heart is pounding, blood pressure rising.The future seems bleak.

The babies skip their morning nap. I sit with them in the play pen and begin to build towers out of cups and soft cubes. They are curious but hesitant to touch the tower I’ve built; they reach toward it lightly, but I’m suddenly petulant. I knock it down myself. I build more towers and knock them down. I throw foam cubes against the playpen walls, and that’s when I start to worry about myself. Also I narrate everything I do out loud constantly (for the babies). I don’t think I can stop even when I go outside anymore. My brain is turning like a dog who can’t lie down. Time for more chocolate!

Luckily I don’t blog during the day. And luckily, these things pass. The babies and I get out of the house and take a long walk, then come home and make some actual progress on projects. I talk to family on the phone. And then it’s bedtime, reliable like the weekend. I love these babies more than words. I know this time at home with them is limited, and I am so grateful for every minute. Still, stay-at-home parenting is not for the weak.

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29 thoughts on “Bedtime Is Bliss

    • Yeah, that would make a little difference, but the baby bedroom and bathroom are still upstairs. Anyway it probably keeps me fit πŸ™‚ I know, the writing and drawing definitely keep me sane. Wish we could still have Brooklyn play dates!

  1. When I was on leave from work I felt the same as you. You are right, staying home is not easy. Now that I’m back at work, I would love to be home. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

  2. I felt just like this when my kids were babies! You describe it all so vividly.Most days I can’t wait for their bed-time at around 8pm. Never feel guilty, you are doing a great job and you’ve worked hard all day. You won’t be a narrator forever either. My two chat constantly and my husband and I can’t get a word in! Sometimes, I feel like every thought I have is interrupted.
    Enjoy your alone time and your beer. :o)

    • Ha. I know–now I’m just really looking forward to a first word! Good thing kids need more sleep than adults, otherwise there’d be a lot more insane parents. My only worry is that they will read this later and take it the wrong way, but then, someday they will have kids of their own and understand.

      • You really nailed what it’s like being a twin mummy.
        I worry about what my two might think in years to come too. I try to stay positive, even though there are days when I’m fed up. My guys both had chicken pox and then we all caught a nasty flu. I was miserable as I wasn’t able to go anywhere for weeks. My first few posts were quite negative and I’ve been trying to make up for it since! Love the illustration of you at your PC.

      • That’s completely understandable to be a bit unhappy with all that chicken pox and the flu! If every post was bright and happy blogging would be a lot less interesting.

  3. when I did that, I was exhausted by the time they went to bed, and I followed immediately. This from a man who never slept before 4 am before his kids were born…..take a coffee break or tea break where you just enjoy the drink while the kids are eating or such……don’t do anything else including phone calls….browsing magazines allowed:)

    • You are so right. Tea would be good, or reading a book. The Internet is really dangerous–have to figure out how to set limits on my email/blogging/web surfing time.

  4. You are doing what it takes and it IS hard! I didn’t have the distraction of the internet when my kids were young. I’m sure it’s good in small doses. I found that even 10 minutes of complete quiet without distraction was helpful. Wishing you some of these “quiet oases!”

  5. I agree with other commenters – couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m a temporary stay at home mom, I took a year off and will go back to work in August. It’s exhausting, this day to day stuff with non-talking, non-crawling twins, that people including my husband couldn’t possibly understand. I know friends who just plunk their kids in front of the TV all day, or my husband, who checks his phone while “playing with the babies”…I’m not saying I never do that, but most of the day I don’t. And because of that…I’m so tired.

    But like you – the internet calls, facebook calls, and the line I could relate to best “I try not to make every day a march towards bedtime”…I’m right there with you. RIGHT there.

    Awesome post, great writing.

    • Thank you. Blogging is great for feeling like you’re not alone in these things. I had originally requested a year leave from work, too, but then we moved to a new city for my husband’s job, which has put me in a new situation. Never a dull moment, this life.

  6. A tough but rewarding job–you said it perfectly. And the constant narrating out loud will come in so handy when they start talking. You’re building an amazing ground floor for their language! Keep up the good work, friend!

  7. Amen. Stay at home parenting is torture. It’s torture that you take on willingly because you love your kids, and wouldn’t want to do anything else. The walls close in. You talk to back to ernie and bert… er… not me, but I’ve heard some people do that sort of thing, and it never ends. it never ever ends. My youngest, my daughter, is almost three. Two years left, and I will return to work with relish. Then I will miss the time I spent with my babies forever.

  8. Aherm…question: What about when you don’t have babies and you’re still throwing building blocks at the wall, gorging on chocolate and attached to the internet like it’s an IV drip feeding fatty sugary gunk into your craving system..? πŸ˜‰

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